I write to my friends that have lost a parent, or someone they loved. When you lose a parent a support system dies. They made up half of you, and you feel like you will never know what your other have should have been like. People say you get this trait from you father, or you sound just like your mother. But you don't really know. You feel as you can't fulfill who you were meant to be without knowing them.
For those friends of mine that have lost someone, it gets easier, trust me. It's been about 10 years now, and its better. Slowly it will, I promise, time passes, your life passes you bye. You will be doing great for a long time, and then one day you just break down for no reason. But you pick yourself back up and move on to the next day. The thing to remember is not to be self destructive. This gets you know where and the one you lost would not want you to end up that way. You need to not feel sorry for yourself but except what has happened. As much as it sucks you need to just walk away and get over it. harsh, but truest words I have ever spoke.
I think what i feel most guilty about or upset is I can't remember what my Father sounds like. Nor do I really know what he looks like. I have a picture, a flat picture with the same facial expression. The one i have been staring at for the past 10 years. A picture can only be so real; I can't form a 3-d life like picture in my head anymore. Its like a stranger in my memories. Walking in and out of my snap shots of childhood.
When I was younger I used to pretend he hadn't died but only had to pretend to because he was a secret agent. And one day I would see him again. But then I thought to myself, lets be real my father was way to messed up to be a agent. I regret not having a video camera, and not making myself have a better memorey. I think how I am only 21 years old and how much of him is gone. I will never get that back. By the time I'm 40 and possibly have children, what will i tell them. If i have nothing to tell. Sometimes I think my brain is deteriorating, and soon I wont even be able to worry about the future. But then maybe that would be better, living the rest of my life not thing of what I've been missing? Life is sick and twisted, which i why I don't believe in a god. Who would set an entire world up for failure. Then again I wish i did because when you die that's it no one will remember you, you can't think and remember your life, it's just dark. It's as if you never existed, all that hard work and worrying about money and your future, and its gone. My Father spent his who life worrying, and messing up and paying the price for it. I know he wanted to do good, and he wanted to try too but maybe he knew there was no point for him. He was going to die and that would be it. Maybe he had the right Idea.
To my Father, whom will always be my mystery. 11/18/01
