Going ok.

Things are going pretty good, I have a new job at Seychelles salon in perkasie, she says i can have a chair when I'm done school so that nice to know. The new car (Dave's) kinda new ha, but it works and very happy to have it. I'm a Sr. at school now, so i have clients all the time now, its kinda scary and exciting, i just suck at talking, which i will have to get over, hopefully that will be soon. Other things i shall continue working on, and wonder about.

Material Things.

So I have an awesome boyfriend, we go out he pays for food, and whatever we do. He has given me an awesome Ipod, and now a car. I am very grateful, and I love everything he has done for me, and given me. I don't know if he knows how much I appreciate what he had done for me. But I need more than things, I want him to want me, and I really want to know that he does. He might very well like me as much as I like him, but I don't know what it is I just need to hear it. I suck, I'm turing into a dumb paranoid girl, but I think it's just because I like him that much.

someone shut me up or shoot me.

my blogs are gay.

The Kids. Zach, Jessie, and Kelly

Saved By The Bell <3

Inadequate. Not only for men.

Inadequate, I hear that word alot for some reason, it's always on the radio, guy's get bigger, long blah blah. When I hear that word, I always associate it with men, being more than you are something bigger and better. For some reason, I know use that word in comparison of myself. Am I inadequate, or is it just people not seeing what is already there? Women all over, constantly are comparing themselves. I have always felt that comparing yourself to others isn't the best, why try and be someone else, I have always strived to be the better me. A constant battle with myself. Lately I feel myself getting sucked into stupid girl paranoia. Comparing myself to girls I don't even know. Maybe if I were more like her he'd like me more, I could be smarter, cooler, prettier, more in depth, then maybe I wouldn't have any problems. I wonder if theses problems even exists or am I making it into something it's not? Thing's I normally would never think twice about, jump out at me, and I dwell and worry about. I want to be something I'm not, only to make you happy. I feel inadequate, because I want to be more, but I'm not sure what that is. Maybe it is just stupid girl paranoia or maybe the feeling I have is real. I don't like feeling like a last resort, or a temporary thing till someone better comes along. Guy's your not alone, the inadequacy virus is spreading, and my fever is running high.

I suck.

So all that talk about being single...

I acquired a boyfriend last night, weird, but I'm really happy!

Feeling good!

Since my last post I feel like I was in a slump. But I'm out of it now, and so freaking happy I'm not miserable anymore. I hate when I'm like that. I got rid of all the shit in my life that was stressing me out, and doing what I want to do. For once I'm not insanely stressed out. I like not having any guy to worry about, and be annoyed with all the time. I is awesome, I'm actually single I don't like anyone, and I don't give a shit that I'm alone. It rules! The only thing I care about right now is school. Nothing is going to eff that up. I have been at Empire for 6 weeks now, and I have passes all of the units, and not just like I just made it. No i go A in all thing units we have done. And all my practicals I have gotten A's on. I have finally found something I'm good at, and I think it is making me more confident, sounds lame but when your good at something and you know what your talking about, you feel good. People in my class come to me for help, and I feel like I'm doing something for once. Its funny how helping someone even in the smallest way, can change your attitude. Which is why I think I am going to go into the teaching program at Empire. Once I am done with that, I want to back to some college and get certified to teach, and maybe in science. That way I can create new colors, and perms, relaxers. I have a goal for once, something that I am capable of reaching. I have my shit together, and I couldn't be happier.

2:24 am havn't left my house in 3 days.

i need to stop being anti-social. Shit has been going better, not that i have any urge to jump for joy. but its ok. I start school at Empire on monday which should be interesting one girl already hates me. She from pennridge. but whatever ill make friends with the Urban's. I am still jobless, which is killing me. Freaking capital one will not stop calling me. damn bill collectors. Other wise shits normal. Melissa has moved in and that's sweet i love her. You would never guess i have 3 girls living in one room. no ones ever home which is kinda good cuz if we were, we would kill each other most likely. but I'm really happy to have her, she a great addition to my friend list. well its not really a list. maybe i need more friends? I was really happy everyone came home for thanksgiving, i saw Rebbecca who is really the only person that's far, but Natalie's house was pretty cool. its like I'm back in 10Th grade woot! ha and then i have also been seeing Katie coz more. i love that girl, or trip to NJ was exciting. tryna do that more often. ride home i wanted to die but it was well worth it. and to whoever that one hoe was at that party in Philly i went to she sucks! I'M FROM PERKASIE BITCH! but yeah anyways i love my friends. maybe i should try hanging out with them...? Leigh Elisa I'm glad to be home love you girls.


some shows are coming up maybe ill leave my house?

Fortress of Shame

It sucks being lied to, and it sucks even more when it from the people you think you can trust. The person i trust most is my mom. We are really close it just when it comes to my father, she gets to wordy about things or stories change. Some stuff just doesn't make sense. Today is the day my father died. I think it will get easier each year but it never does. And me not knowing about him i think makes it worse because it makes me think about him more. I have a horrible memory of my childhood, I'm not sure if i block it out as a way to save myself, or what. I know he did some shitty stuff in the past he drank to much did to many drugs, got into trouble. But I'm sick of being lied to I'm sick of this bullshit. Sometimes i think i might be better off that hes dead, i might have turned out differently, or he would be in jail again, and i might end up hating him alot more. So I'm not sure if I'm glad you killed yourself, glad isn't the right word but maybe you did the right thing for once, and thought it would be for the best. The more i find out about you the more i want to know, and i want to hate you. But at the end of the day i still love you and miss you. And it fricking sucks that when i try to get away from it all there you are.

I would like to thank the art museum and whoever wrote the book pine street hotel for reminding me how much my father sucked.

Thanks.